Minnesota Man Does Ozzy Impersonation

A man in Minnesota was arrested today for riping the head off of a live, tame duck at a hotel. The duck was swimming in an ornamental pond inside the hotel when Scott Clark cornered the duck and the ripped the head off it's body.

I’m hungry. I’m gonna eat it.

And as if this really needs to be written, Clark was apparently intoxicated.

Embassy Suites Now Serving Duck [MSNBC]

When Peaches Talks, You Listen

James Gilligan was doing the best he could to find the drugs. He stopped one 10 year old and took his bookbag. He stopped a school bus, took a 10 year old girls bookbag and took off. Gilligan, armed with knives, did all he could to grab as many bookbags as possible because he knew they carried drugs. There were no drugs in the bookbag. So who told him that their were drugs in the bookbags?

His poodle, Peaches.

Gilligan, who smoked meth earlier in the day to help him find these drugs, found himself numerous felonies and 20 misdemeanors for searching the children.

Meth is a Helluva Drug [HeraldNet.com]

Sex Driver

Ever say to a loved one, "Want to have sex while our friend drives us around town?" Why is it always just me? Well, Joshua Frank was driving around his friends during a romp session when he crashed his car. They just decided to leave the car where it was.

This story seems to have everything:

1. Joshua Frank is a carnival worker.
2. Frank blames the friends having sex as the reason why he crashed.
3. This happened in Idaho

Moral of the Story: When you're driving your friends around who are engaging in intercourse, keep both hands on the wheel Josh. wink wink.

Sex Causing Accidents in Idaho [Yahoo.com]

Mother/Daughter Prostitutes Are The Best

62 year old Mary Clark Duncan has begun her 2 month prison sentence for prostitution. This grandma, along with her daughter, agreed to have sex with what turned out to be an undercover officer. This GILF and MILF were charging $15 a piece for their acts.

The majority of the clientele for the Duncan duo are believed to be Hispanics. That's not even a joke I put in there. This article writes itself.

Mug Shots Here [WSBTV.com via Fark.com]

Peeping Tom Caught At Store

Gregory Christian is the store manager of a Lilburn, Georgia sporting goods. I'm sure he prides himself as a hard working manager, trying to make his store the most amount of money possible. On Friday, Christian was caught watching a woman try on a shirt in the dressing room, as he sat up in the ceiling tiles and peaked down.

What's the problem? Christian, the aforementioned hard working manager, was just seeing if the shirt fit in my opinion. He also wanted to see the reaction of the woman in the mirror to see if she like the shirt or not. How do you get a better understanding of the customers needs and wants from your store? You watch them get undressed. Christian shouldn't be punished for doing thorough research.

Watching From the Ceiling [AJC.com]

Teen Shot At McDonald's

I'm sure this story has happened to everybody....

A teenager in Pittsburgh was in line at McDonald's on Wednesday. He was probably trying to decide whether he wanted the Double Quarter Pounder or The Big 'N' Tasty. Then he sat there, trying to figure out what exactly is a Big 'N' Tasty. Is it true they just add a tomato? Tomatoes aren't tasty. Tomatoes fucking suck. Especially warm tomatoes. That's nasty. Almost as nasty as this. Then he started to play with his gun in his pocket. No, no, not that gun. (Chris Hanson would like to see you, pervert)

All of a sudden his gun goes off. What did I just say? It's not that gun.

A 17 year old boy shot himself in the leg with the .25 caliber pistol that he had in his pocket while waiting in line. I don't know about you, but the McDonald's I go in never require me to carry a gun. The kid is in good condition, but he will be charged with illegal possession of a firearm.

Never Go To McDonald's Without Your Gun [Yahoo.com]

Another Bengal In Trouble???? No Way

Deltha O'Neal is currently the new Bengal that has been reported in the news. The revolving door that is Cincinnati Police Station will be seeing O'Neal because of an incident with his dog. A woman and her child were bitten on legs and ass by O'Neal's rottweiler early Thursday morning, but he was no where to be found??? He apparently left the house 20 minutes earlier in a Cadillac sports untility vehicle. Why is this lady and her child at his house when he wasn't around???
The second thing I've realized is that if you want to play in the NFL you have to have the biggest God damn dog in the world that is not trained and will attack any person that walks by your house. You know how to stop incidents like this from happening: Chain up your fucking beast of a dog.



Another Bengal in the Police Blotter

The Rogaine Bandit

Mark Hoousendove is one of millions of men who have lost their hair. I haven’t seen a picture of Mark, but he probably has the classic horseshoe/cul-de-sac thing going on his dome. Mark apparently has begun to miss his hair and has been looking for a way to get it back. Sunday, he made an attempt to find the remedy. However, it wasn’t the most conventional way.

Mark went into the pharmacy, grabbed $50 worth of hair restoration product, and bolted for the door. Mark was caught.

I’m guessing Mark wasn’t stealing the product because he was poor, but rather because he was embarrassed to be buying hair restoration product. Mark, buddy, you’ve got to do a better job of stealing. How do you think I’ve been able to get the extra small condoms from the pharmacy for all of these years? Rip off the barcodes and act casual. Sometimes I’ll throw the girl at the counter off by buying the magnums, when in fact I have 5 boxes of the tinys stuffed into my pants. Get in the game Mark. Get smart about this.

Cul-de-sac Mark Caught Stealing [Yahoo.com]

Boy Finds Way to Stop Disappointing His Parents

16 year old Jacob Brighton is your typical rebel teen, who enjoyed smoking weed and having different interests from his father. Jacob also didn’t work, but then again he’s only 16 years old. But this grew old for Jacob, who couldn’t take disappointing his parents anymore. Jacob decided to take things into his own hands.

So he got a job? No. He stopped smoking weed? No. He started watching baseball with his dad? No. So what did he do?

He killed his parents.

So there's nobody, now there's nobody to be disappointed in me, try to make me lead ... their life.

Phew, that was a close one. I didn’t think he was old enough to handle the responsibility of an after school job anyways. I had a job after school and let me tell you, it was no picnic. Life is so cruel when you’re a 16 year old. Nobody understands what it's like.

Well That’s One Way of Getting Rid of Your Problems [Local6.com]

Swinger Turns Into Stabber

For his 29th birthday, Paul Hodgsen invited over a male co-worker for a small orgy with Paul’s girlfriend Charlotte. While the co-worker (Ian) was going to town on Charlotte, Paul was left by himself on the sidelines because he was unable to produce wood. Instead of finding a way to cope with this problem (pics of Jessica Alba), Paul decided to stab Ian to death. Paul claims innocence saying Ian was raping Charlotte.

Whoa whoa, back up a second. Did Paul invite a guy over for his birthday orgy? If anybody should be on trial, it’s Charlotte. Why isn’t Charlotte bringing over one of her girlfriends for Paul’s birthday? This is the real travesty.

BDay Orgy Goes Wrong [The Sun UK / via Fark.com]

Canadian Women Are Crazy

As if you needed more proof that Canadian women are insane, a woman shot her husband 4 times with a double-barreled shotgun because he wanted a divorce. Well, he wanted a divorce because he was having an affair. Eddie Martin had some side action and told his soon to be ex-wife about it. Eddie, are you kidding me? You don't tell her you've been seeing somebody and that's why you want a divorce. You tell her about how she's become a fat pig and she's nothing but a bloated version of the woman you married 30 years ago. She's less likely to shoot you if you've completely crushed her self-esteem. Wise up, Eddie.

The Truth Shall Get You Shot [Yahoo.com]

Senior Citizen Fights Back

How embarrassing do you think it is to try and rob a 74-year- old man but end up getting your ass kicked? Bruce Ferraro was threatened by a 32-year-old man with a tire iron but decide he was going to open up a can on this joker. Ferraro stole the tire iron from the assailant who took off for his car, which stalled, so he got out and ran. He was later caught by police and charged with attempted robbery. The police should just let this clown go because he got beat up by a 74-year-old man, that's embarrassment enough.

Not a good day for robbers.

Senior Fights Off Iron-Wielding [yahoo.com]

You Forgot Something

A man stealing cars in Ohio made the mistake of stealing a car low on gas. The man fills the car up, but leaves the receipt in the car when he decides he's had enough of this car and steals a different SUV. Police find receipt, then find video of him in gas station based off of his receipt. If you're stealing cars, why are you paying for gas?

Thieves: Say "No Thanks" When It Comes To Receipts [Newsnet5.com]

Foot Fetish Robber

1. Find woman.
2. Demand keys & cell phone.
3. Take car and run? No no no. Take off victim's shoes.
4. Begin to lick feet.
5. NOW, run away.

What? A man in Minnesota mugged a woman and took her phone and keys, but didn't leave until he was able to lick her feet. Luckily for the victim, feet only seem to be his licking fetish and not this.

Feet Taste Like.... Feet. [Yahoo.com]

Can't Sell Your House? Turn It Into A Brothel

In New Rochelle, New York, a couple had a hard time selling their house at the price they wanted it. So what did they do? What any smart person would do and use it as a whorehouse. Using 4 prostitutes and Craigslist (of course), Richard Werner and Heather Mezzenga attempted to get their money where they could from the house as the market wouldn't let them get it legally. The house had heavy shades and a red ribbon out in front, signaling it was open for business. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going out to comb my neighborhood for red ribbons.

Brothels Would Cure Housing Slump [WCBSTV.com]